Sabbaticals

Oh. My. God.  I literally forgot that I even had a blog.  I have spent so much time well, living my life, that I have not written in a really long time.  And that makes me sad, because a trend I'm noticing in my life is that my creative juices have, in the past, been only used during times that I am feeling sad.  The last time I wrote anything on this was October 11, 2011--about 5 months into one of the most heart wrenching, life changing, life affirming breakups that I have ever experienced.

And I have endless gratitude in my ability to say right now that I'm on the other side of that.  One of my latest Facebook status updates was my expressing gratitude for being in a place in my life where I find myself thinking, often, many times a day on some days "I'm really happy."

And ain't that an em-effer?? Because the last time I wrote on these pages, I was doing so for survival, for sustenance, and for a less harmful coping skill than endless glasses of whiskey wine.

But I just spent the last hour catching up on a coworker's blog.  And it restored my faith.  And before you think that's a bit melodramatic, let me explain.

But first, I must offer up a virtual bow of thanks to our grand comedian, Universe, for the realization that I am writing again exactly 18 months after my last post.  

Ok, back to it.  I have been in the clinical portion of my Masters since January of 2012.  I started with Practicum that spring semester, took the summer off, and began my internship with the Colorado State Employee Assistance Program, where I have been working since August of 2012.

And the experience has been AMAZING.  Sometime in late September I felt I hit my stride as a professional therapist.  I had that "Holy SHIT, I'm a therapist.  Like a REAL one, and I'm pretty effing good at it!!" feeling.  It was incredible, and continues to be.

But now, five weeks away from the weekend of graduation, my 30th birthday, and no more financial aide checks, I'm EXHAUSTED.  I continue to work at the Eating Recovery Center, and I often work Sunday, Monday and Tuesday (12 hour days!!) there and then work Wednesday, Thursday and Fridays at CSEAP.  And I miss my social life, friends, soul affirming conversations with people other than my clients and patients something terrible.

So, back to the concept of my coworker's blog restoring my faith.  She recently made the courageous decision to take a month long sabbatical at work.  And based on her blog posts, she's happy.  She's nourished, she's taking care of her.  And here I am, on day 5 of a 6 day work week.  My eyes are red, my contacts feel glued to my face and I'm literally so anxious and so wound up that I was pacing my living room to "relax."  (That's in quotes because I have a hard time lately understanding what that looks or feels like).  I was feeling the familiar acidity of envy, thinking of her bright smile, infectious laugh, healthy food and wonderful life, while also planning how I can get my private practice off the ground and beating myself up for not writing a business plan or curriculum for a group or reading some therapy article, when the Universe tapped me on the shoulder and said breathe.  Breathe into it and get to know yourself.  And my faith was restored.  I'm finishing INTERNSHIP.  I'm graduating in FIVE weeks.  I'm working 60 hours a week and in a field I (usually) feel blessed to have been chosen for.

I re-read her post about taking a month long sabbatical.  And I smiled.  For her, and for myself.  It took me 4.5 years to become a therapist and 30 years to reach the level of contentment and overall ME-ness I have felt for the past 9 months.  The last time I raced to the end, to the success that I thought was expected me and played by all the arbitrary rules I set for myself, I ended up depressed, co-dependant and fired from a high paying job.  I ended up burnt out.

And I love therapy too much to do that to myself and my career.

So I want to say thank you to this coworker and thank you to God, because tonight I finally gave myself permission to NOT know what happens in the next five weeks.  I don't know what my private practice looks like.  I don't know what my plans are for after graduation.  I  don't know what I'm doing for my 30th birthday (so stop asking, folks), I don't know the details of my graduation party.

I just DON'T KNOW.  And I'm finally, for the first time since the beginning of the year, ok with that.

The future is still there to be discovered.  And just like when I stopped micro-managing my life 4.5 years ago and just let school, and the knowledge I was exactly where I needed to be carry me, I'm letting the don't know-ness of this moment carry me to the couch.  To relax after a long day (week, month and year) to watch cougar town, and later, to cuddle with a new someone nice (And I DON'T know what we're doing either! So stop asking, folks).

Selah, thank you.