All we need is love?

I have been humbled every day by the response I have gotten from my friends and family as I go through this intense period of transition. I keep getting slapped in the face with the message: PEOPLE LOVE ME!!! There are so many people in this world who care about me and I am so grateful for their grace right now. I have had people drive miles to give me a hug if they hear me crying, people offer me their house so I can get some much needed alone time while they are out of town, people understand when I tell them I can't attend their weddings or be as active in the planning as I would like, I have had friends let me stay with them in a one room apartment for 17 days IN A ROW, I've had women pack my house when I couldn't do it myself and hold my hand while I cried at my sink, grieving over my broken dream. And these are just my FRIENDS. My family has been graceful as well, giving me space, a place to live, a listening ear and arranging for people to move me out of my house. Compassion is truly a blessing and I see God in the people that love me, every day.

I've been reading the book Uncoupling, by Diane Vaughan. In it, she says, "People do not make voluntary transition alone." And I find this to be so true. She says that when leaving a relationship we find "transitional people" to help us. These people help by being confidante's, by giving advice, by working as a sounding boards, by loving me.

This post is my love letter to all of my transitional people. Some people may be temporary, but most, I believe are long standing, constant forces in my life. I believe that if you're lucky, you find many, many soul mates in this life. People who are brought to you to help you through this journey, people who love you in ways you can't get fulfilled by anything else and all of you have been my soul mates. Some are new friends, people I've known for two or less years. Some have been friends since we were 12, wearing funny hats. One has been my soul sister, from another mister (and mother for that matter) whose life parallels mine in an intense and sometimes, freaky, manner. I love you all more than I can put into words. I'm grateful for you and I can write a novel and still not be able to express my gratitude in words.

Know this: I see God in you and all of you have been a gift. One of my biggest sources of anxiety entering this period of transition has been the fear that I would never find love. That I gave it all away, but all of you have wrapped me in a love and a grace so pure, so full and so amazing, that I can only laugh at myself. The Universe has a hell of a sense of humor...I see love all around me. I'm covered in it in a way I have never experienced before.

Selah, thank you.

Where is my parachute?

I have always been deeply impressed and in awe of people who go sky diving. It's not that I don't understand it. I get it...that incredible exhilaration one must feel when you finally reach the ground. Or, that feeling of complete freedom people describe when they finally let go and just enjoy the ride. What I don't understand, however, is that moment of complete terror and panic I would have to feel as I stood at the ledge, too high up to see the ground, completely frozen in fear of the fact that I am about to jump out of a plane.

I've realized recently that I'm a person who lives her life avoiding these moments of terror. I'm a professional fear avoider, if you will.

I plan to deal with being afraid. I realize that to some this makes me a control freak. I prefer to call it "knowing what I want." But, whatever the semantics, it makes me live my life in a constant state of intense awareness of the future, learning from the past and completely avoiding what's going on in the present. And when the present is riddled with pain and discomfort, rather than sitting with it, I plan on how to rid myself of it, and then, how to avoid feeling this way again. This little habit of mine, often shows itself in manipulation, in controlling tactics. I have to get people, things, the world, God, whatever--to do what I want so that fear can JUST GO AWAY.

Not the cutest trait, trust me.

And this brings me back to what makes sky diving so impressive. For the first time, I GET IT. The accomplishment in sky diving is the jump. It's standing on that ledge, terrified, and JUMPING ANYWAY. It's having the faith that your parachute will open, that you will make it down and that you will be better than you were before the jump.

And this is what makes this current period of transition so incredibly scary for me. Because right now, I'm filled with pain. I'm standing on that ledge, about to jump out of the plane and I have no choice but to take that leap. I have no choice because I have literally exhausted every option. I have planned, I have manipulated, bargained and cajoled and I still find myself, 13,000 feet in the air, literally facing my biggest fear. I have to embrace this pain, and let it have its way with me. Wave after wave, coursing through my life and my consciousness until I've learned the lessons and grown into the woman God will have me to become.

And the problem, is that I don't WANT to jump. I have had many, many friends tell me that they're proud of me, that I'm strong, and I often look at them, confused. I appreciate the compliment, but I don't feel very brave. I don't feel very strong. I am ONLY jumping right now because I've already tried everything else. If I could figure out a way to make it work, I would return to the same situation that has led me here. Is there pain in the past? Of course. But THAT pain I know. THAT pain I've become comfortable with.

And I have a parachute I don't have much experience in. I have to wrap myself in a parachute of faith and trust that it will work on my ride down. I have to do the thing I am not yet good at doing, and that's to stop planning. To let go and feel myself coast, to embrace the freedom in not being in control and letting God take the reigns for awhile. It's hard because so far all I've known of this experience is pain. All I've felt is fear. I have to trust that the God who lives in me AS me, will show up for me.

And all I can say is, this parachute BETTER effing work. God, wrap me in your faithfulness.