Hey, I'm Open!!

But not THAT open, I'm realizing. I was recently pursued by a man in an open relationship. And initially I was flattered. We did the whole flirting thing for a few weeks. He told my friends how much he liked me. He texted me every day, HE pursued ME. But he had this girlfriend. And not the normal, "this guy has a girlfriend" situation. No, he wasn't "over" his girlfriend. He wasn't some guy hesitant to leave a bad situation. He wasn't seeking me out for comfort (not that this is the type of thing that rocks my boat, but attention from an attractive, smart man IS flattering, relationship or no relationship...right??) No, he was openly and admittedly in love with this woman. But they had conflicting schedules and decided that it was ok that they see other people.

I know...if you're anything like me, you're wondering how this works. Or, you're saying "oh, he's just looking for sex." Whatever you're thinking that's ok. I know some of you would have run in the opposite direction and I respect that. But I considered it. And before you judge me for this, realize that I'm in the middle of a break up. I get lonely. I don't want nor am I ready for any attachment (and this was made PAINFULLY obvious when I broke things off with the rebound guy and got ambushed by feelings neither of us were ready for), so something casual seemed nice...a way to have male attention without any of that yucky emotional attachment (ok, ok, so this is a LITTLE idealistic)...it sounded nice. For about ten seconds, until one of my Blonde Besties essentially asked, "Are you FUCKING CRAZY?!" And did the job that only a close friend could do, forcing me examine why it is that I was thinking so little of myself that I was actually CONSIDERING getting involved with a guy who was basically offering me complete emotional unavailability, and not only that, but a second place spot in his heart.

Yes, I'm fucking crazy. Because I'm ADDICTED to unavailable men. In short, they hurt me soooo good and I simply can't get enough. And the reasons for this are far too sad, boring and cliche to get into now. Just know that this realization has been following me around all year long, kicking me in the face repeatedly. You'd think that after multiple black eyes, a bruised ego and a broken down spirit, I would just let go. Give up. Learn to be on my own.

But just as-- thankfully--I couldn't open myself to being second place, I'm not yet ready to open myself to up to the relationship I tried so desperately hard for when I was with my ex. I'm not ready to be that intimate with someone, but I'm also terrified of being alone, which makes it impossible for me to get truly intimate with the person I need to get to know...MYSELF. I'm in this disgusting limbo, middle ground where I'm the only person blocking my path. I want to be dating and even think it would be exciting to meet a man that inspires me. But thinking of what I feel I would have to give up for that type of relationship is enough to make me agoraphobic. I want to be strong enough to say "Yes, I'm single right now, and it's going to take someone pretty amazing to change that." But 8pm shows up every night and brings my two biggest adversaries: loneliness and self-loathing, and you know what I'm learning?? I'm not as open and healthy about dealing with them. I never just open myself to inviting them in and letting them question me. No, I hide from them. I hide in bars with my friends even when I don't want to be out. I hide in novels I'm not enjoying reading, bad tv, my ex, sleep and a host of things that are no longer serving me.

So no, I'm not as open as I thought. But I'm trying. I'm really trying.

Suggestions??